Regrets of an ending story

I'm back to blogging about us.
Not because I'm obliged, but because I need to let go of these feelings. The feeling of guilt, pain, love and regrets. I thought that I could blog about us like.. "FOREVER". However, it's been a couple of weeks when I said things to him that I shouldn't have said and done. It was a childish thing to broke up with him through the days that he's already troubled and stressed. yeah. I did, and I add up to that. I was totally messed up. I ruined everything that we built and dreamed. I was supposed to hang on to him, to support him with his studies, to motivate him and to comfort him. but, I didn't. I'm totally fucked up with my emotions. All I know is that he loves me and no matter what I'll do, he will still love me, that he will understand me. and most of all, even if i broke up with him many times, he will still hold on. BUT this time, he didn't.

 He's the first guy that I loved the most (well, he's not my first boyfriend but he's the one i taken too seriously) and I cant really moved on. I know it's my fault that I broke up with him because he didn't have much time for me. those time that he should be spending to medicine right now, and not for me. I know he needed much time in studying. and I demanded a lot in mine too. literally a lot. I'm not going to lie that I'm expecting a lot more of his time, like, thrice a week. but, he cant give that. All he can give is once a week I cling to my emotions, I rant, I said things, I gave up. However, that's not what I really meant. It's just that, I want him to realize that I'm in so much pain due to his absence and that he will gonna appreciate me even more. I guess he didn't realize that, 'cause he also gave me up. He said he was tired in our relationship, that he needed someone who'll gonna understands him more. and he's pretty sure that it's not me anymore. that there's something wrong in our relationship.

I made a lot of mistakes. but, this mistake is the only one I regretted. GOD! I want him back. I already  begged, but it didn't change his perception. I want him back. I'm willing to change for the better not because I want to make this pain go away but because I still want him in my life. I'll wait when he's already okay, when he's not mad anymore. I wish he could open up his heart to me once more. I don't know what to do anymore without him, he's my world, my everything and he's the only guy I could see my future with. The one I will marry and have kids with. The one I'm smiling when I'm happy. The one I'll gonna hold hands and kiss. The one I'll cry when I'm sad. in short, The one I want to share my life with.

I realized a lot of things. That I was a bad girlfriend. That I was too selfish. this love was a one-sided relationship. all I want is to make myself happy, I didn't look if he's happy or sad. all I cared about was me, myself and I. I asked for advice among my friends and relatives. yeah, I was not ashamed to tell them. I need that, though. I'm not good in having a relationship so, I really need to ask. Now, I'm going to change for the better, I'll extend my patience more. I'll mature even more that if things get worse, you have to fix it. If things doesn't go the way you wanted it, you have to compromise. and less expectations too. and, a lot of understanding. I also realized that in a relationship, you have to support and understand one another, because you're the only one that each other's got. the one you trust more than your family and friends that's why you're telling secrets and problems to one another. So, you have to be there for him or for her. that you have to let them know that they're not alone. <3

 I wish I could rewind everything. I wanna re-fall to him, I miss everything about him. but, in case that he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I'll just want him to listen to this song because the lyrics says it all and I wish he could find this blog. HAHA. (because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.)

My wish for you :)

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)

This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
yeah this is my wish

one tough message right here. >.< Oh dear!